I sit here staring out the window at one of the largest non-commercial moving trucks I've ever seen. Behind it sits a car dolly with my van on it and inside the two vehicles are everything I own save a few clothes and tools that I will need in the coming weeks. My husband sits behind the steering wheel going over the route one more time and then he hits the gas and the truck groans in agony as it pulls away. It's similar to the nervous agony I always feel as I watch him drive away on a long trip. It used to be the 4 hour jaunt to Salt Lake for work, or the two day trip down to Arizona, but today it's a 4 day trip across the continent. I think the hardest part of watching him leave is simply that my own departure seems insanely far away.
I had all my plans, I had everything booked and readied. I thought we were covered and set and I was all settled in and prepped for the short duration as I finish work, get Alisabeth done with school, and then head to our new home where we would have our third child and live happily ever after.
I should have known that was too easy. :)
Instead a significant swelling began a few months ago, worse than I'd had during the first two pregnancies. I could live with swelling though, it would go away eventually once the baby was born. Then came the high blood pressure. Not just high, high enough that my doctor's eyes widened in disbelief. From perfectly normal two weeks before to nearly 160 over something in the 90's. I don't know what those numbers mean, of course, but the nurse's concern and the doctor's immediate prescription of no more doing anything and having to relax got my attention.
Two weeks later (today) I went in again. This time there's protein in the urine, my blood pressure was 143 over 90something and the swelling is getting worse, especially in the morning when I can't even press my lips together because my entire face feels like a blowfish all poofed out. Today he decided that not only can I NOT fly out to give birth in Atlanta, but he's also taking the baby early. I'm at 35.5 weeks now, so 1.5 weeks from now Ambyr Lynn will see the world for the first time, ready or not.
Suddenly the entire world shifted and all of my carefully laid plans fell into the giant sinkhole that opened beneath my feet. The shock still hasn't really caught up to me. I have so much to do, and now I literally have no time to do it in. I was supposed to finish a bunch of audits stuff at work, doc says I would be better off not working at all, but I can't just leave everything in pieces, so I'm at least finishing out the week. We still have a car to deal with, and a house, and I have to babies who I'm not supposed to run after, but that's nearly impossible with an eighteen month old. On top of that I was REALLY counting on these last two weeks to finish cleaning and sprucing the house (I figured I would be able to do an hour a day without stressing my body too much, but that's not going to happen now either).
I've been crying off and on all day when I think about it, so I try not to. I've always tried to be the strong one. Nothing kills me more than helplessness, and yet, here I sit on my couch wondering how much it's going to hurt to stand up and head to bed with the kids, or if I'll even be able to sleep because of how uncomfortable the swelling can get.
And thus I find that it's time, once again, to learn the humbling lesson of being served. Christ does it for me all the time, but I guess I've grown accustomed to that, which is a problem in and of itself. Now, however, I have to accept that I really can do nothing of myself. The only way my kids are going to get taken care of is to plead and accept help from the many many people around me. So I post a quiet plea on facebook, knowing that it's family night and the chances of it being seen quickly are probably low. Not five minutes later I have a response. "I have everything on your list and more, what else do you need? How about dinner tomorrow? What time will you be home?"
A second response within minutes of the first, "I'll make dinner Thursday, what else can I do?" (This from the woman who already agreed to watch my kids all day for three days while I work.)
Then the barrage hits and I am literally overwhelmed by messages of concern and offers of items, and toys and things for the kids and for me.
Compound this with gifts from neighbors and others so that when we travel the children will have new coloring books, toys and crayons for the trip, letters and visits of love and how much we'll be missed. Cards, last minute dinner invitations, laughter and friends and it's no wonder we'll miss this area so much. The people here are so willing to share what God has given them, whether it's a smile and a phone call, or dinner and toys for a few weeks.
My house is bare and yet it has never felt so full. My heart is full too.
Then I had to go and read this month's message from our prophet. It's a message we're supposed to take and share with each other as women of the church, a simple message really, but so poignant and perfect in this moment: Christ lived a life of service and we are to serve and minister as he has done. When we do we bless lives and point others toward Him.
Well, isn't that the truth. I have definitely been blessed, and my thoughts immediately turned in gratitude toward my God who has always, and will ALWAYS provide a way for us.
I understand that it's our duty to serve, but the only way that's possible is if someone is willing to accept that service, and apparently now is my moment. I am grateful to be the recipient, humbled to be where I am, and working on my willingness. God is good, and the world is so full of His Children, those who fill this place with light. I have been grateful to live among them here in Idaho, back in Arizona, and am excited to meet a few more of His Choice Children as we begin a new season in Georgia. I hope that when my turn to serve comes around again that I remember this lesson and shine bright like a diamond.
In other news, Jason and I went to prom this week and had a blast. Alisabeth is finishing school with flying colors. She's had 12/12 on her spelling tests the last few weeks. She also helped me write out thank you cards for her teacher, the principal and her kindergarten teacher and without prompting at all she did a great job of saying thanks (in my opinion). She has also been an amazing helper with her brother. I love her to pieces.
Kryton is gaining his vocabulary at an astounding rate. He is up to full phrases now (common ones that he hears from us all the time). He and Alisabeth played hide and seek the other day for quite a while and he actually grasped that he was looking for her and she for him. It was adorable. He is struggling a bit with all the change though, so that's been a hard on everyone, but he's still got such a curiosity and happy disposition that the rages are somewhat easy to ignore.
Jason has been amazing. To get the house ready he has repaired, replaced, painted, detailed, and built everything from the fire alarm (original to the 1950's house) that finally decided it was giving up on life, to the back fence that now sports two removable sections where the broken swinging gate used to be. He's packed, re-packed, dealt with my nesting, and my frazzled nerves. He's massaged my feet and legs, been a stay at home dad, and now he's packing our things across the world so he can begin his new job at almost the exact same time I will be induced.
I could have asked for a more amazing husband, a prince among men. How grateful I am that the Lord heard my pleading and literally dropped the perfect man for me in my lap. (although he was a little shorter than I expected).
I'm doing well overall too. Mentally I feel a little on edge, for obvious reasons, but I'll handle it, and get back to where I need to be. I actually found a prom dress that fit over my belly, very cute and simple, so I splurged to rent in and together with another couple we danced the night away to good old classics.
God has been so good to us. I am excited for what may come.
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